Lifer - Lifer

Self-Released/ Hand of Doom

Release Date: 11.01.25

Running Time: 52:03

Score: Many, many numbers all smashed together so that no one is able to work out just how big a score it is, but its somewhere in the quintillions /10

I am done wrangling children for a few days. Therefore, I return to the world of Metal and have views about music to share with you once more, you lucky things. I am Dark Juan, and my internet is being a fucking little bitch today. In and out more often than a Vaseline lubricated prostitute on Tib Street in Manchester on a Saturday night. When you pay for something, you expect it to fucking work, right?

In other news, Mrs Dark Juan has decamped to her studio to create some more eldritch horrors to sell to unsuspecting Canadians and Moss the Tiny Psychopath is out with his dog walkers, Pip and Dan. Honestly he squeals more than a pig going on honeymoon when he sees them and Dark Juan has to reassure them that he is in fact NOT booting the annoying little sod all over the house when they get here. Hodgson Biological-Warfare, my other dog, is laid on the sofa looking at me plaintively because I am not supplying treats. He’s already had some. I’m not cruel.

Also, my beloved Schwerer Gothikpanzer has died. It did it when I was at work and caused much annoyance from the home I was going to (£15 for a fucking Uber!) as well as upsetting my manager who was left with Dark Juan twatting the rear brake caliper with a large hammer and wheels all over the courtyard of the home I work in normally before decamping without having put the car back together. Nevertheless, Dark Juan prevailed (after abandoning all hope with the Schwerer Gothikpanzer) and now has in his possession the Silver Sturmvogel which has heated seats, 170 rampaging German horses and Dark Juan wriggling with joy. And a working CD player.

Let us now turn our attention to what I am actually supposed to be doing, which is torturing the almighty Platter of Splatter ™ with some Extreme music. For your delectation today, we are decamping to Wales, near Llanelli, and a band who really should be fucking massive. We are talking about Lifer, a band who possess possibly the friendliest frontman in British Metal in Scriv. A man, who managed to absolutely break me when he stayed at our house as the band were playing a gig in Bradford at the time, by getting me so drunk I was barely capable of moving the next day. Even though I went to work. I had to have a sleep in my truck for an hour just outside of Keighley in order to function even semi-effectively for the rest of the day. Which I didn’t.

Now I normally affectionately mock Wales and Llanelli in particular, saying that the only good things coming out of Llanelli are Felinfoel Double Dragon beer and the A486 towards either Swansea or Carmarthen, but some of my happiest music related memories come from Llanelli and down in South Wales, back when I was playing in Doomcrow… but seeing as I am Saesneg I think this time it might be churlish.

Lifer plays Southern-tinged Metal with elements of Doom, Thrash and Punk. This is evident throughout this, their third album with some rather excellent uptempo sonic battering, especially on opener ‘Keep A Good Heart, Son” which dispenses with any form of pretence about what Lifer are and eschews any subtlety in favour of just taking your face right fucking off and blasting it from Swansea to Gwynedd, leaving the listener desperately searching for it around the Eryri area. Possibly getting set upon by soldiers on SAS Selection doing the Fan Dance up Pen Y Fan way.

Lifer’s great strength is that they are a genuinely fun band who charm every fucker they run across, and this is reflected in their music, which is downtuned, brutal, bass-heavy and fast as fuck, but also uplifting and possessed of a bonhomie and joie-de-vivre that shines through their performances, both live and on record. Scriv’s vocals range from open-throated roaring to grunted, Lovecraftian horror and on ‘Rise Above’ he digs deep into what’s left of his acid-destroyed throat for a full-on Thrash Metal assault that morphs into a Doom Metal anthem in the middle of the song (but played rather faster than you might expect) before returning to battering the poor listener with an endless barrage of beats and roaring. Truly stupendous!

The rest of the band share the worryingly committed attitude of Scriv. Instruments are not played, they are attacked with vigour and savagery (apart from the beginning of ‘Hallowed Be Thy Pain’ where we deviate slightly into banjo and fiddle before launching into a Southern Groove Metal masterpiece, with Scriv actually singing instead of trying to flatten the listener with his voice) and the mix and production on “Lifer” is absolutely fucking huge. The sound is expansive and all-encompassing and absolutely mountainous. A Lifer song is not just a song. Every song on this album is a fucking EVENT. There is not a poor track on this record at all and Dark Juan has been leaping around the lounge of Crow Cottage as if he was a mere Metal neophyte for the past thirty minutes which means he will be fucking crippled tomorrow, and it is all Lifer’s fault. Damn you all to hell you Welsh twats!

I should also point out that Lifer offers us four tracks with clean lyrics (different versions of songs that might have a naughty word or two tucked away in there to spare the blushes of delicate, pale Welsh maidens who might get a fit of the vapours if they hear an oath being uttered. There must be one somewhere although all the Welsh lasses I know could wipe the fucking floor with you before going back to their Babychams) tacked on to the end of the record, these being versions of ‘Imperious Delirious’, ‘Men and Pigs’, ‘Different Kind of Pain’ and ‘Rise Above’.

So yeah, if you dig Metal that’s got personality oozing out of every single sweaty, mad bastard Welsh pore you are going to fucking love “Lifer”. If you like Southern Grooves, Thrash, snarling Punk attitude and a vocalist that is one of life’s perennial good guys, I demand you throw yourselves into supporting Lifer. I demand it anyway because they are fucking brilliant!!!

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Y system sblatter gwaed Dark Juan patent ar gyfer fy ffrindiau Cymreig. Mae'n debyg bod hyn yn anghywir ond ar ôl byw yn Ffrainc anghofiais fy Nghymraeg i gyd ac rwy'n ei cholli. Dwi'n gweld eisiau Borth ac Aberystwyth a Castell Newydd Emlyn. A Crowley's yn Abertawe...) is calling it now – this is one of the greatest British Metal records of the decade. It has everything! Already we have a contender for my top ten records of 2025 and its still January. Many, many numbers all smashed together so that no one is able to work out just how big a score it is, but its somewhere in the quintillions/10!

TRACKLISTING:

1 Keep A Good Heart, Son

2 Imperious Delirious

3 Men And Pigs

4 Different Kind Of Pain

5 Born To Lose

6 Rise Above

7 Hallowed Be Thy Pain

8 No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

9 Fire In The Hole

10 Stone Widow

11 Imperious Delirious (Clean Version)

12 Men And Pigs (Clean Version)

13 Different Kind Of Pain (Clean Version)

14 Rise Above (Clean Version)

LINE-UP:

Web – Guitars

Scriv – Vocals

Simon – Bass

David – Drums

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For more, visit the following links: Bandcamp | Facebook  | Spotify